


Still Breathing

by Kkane88



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, Sad, as in i am very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:47:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29782551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kkane88/pseuds/Kkane88
Summary: Patrick's upset that Jonny wasn't there for his 400th goal
Relationships: Patrick Kane/Jonathan Toews
Comments: 12
Kudos: 76





	Still Breathing

**Author's Note:**

> Full disclosure, I have no idea where Jonny is but my hc is that he's in Canada

_You should be here_.

Patrick’s fingers hover over the send button of the text message, knowing he can’t do it and hating himself for even thinking it. But he wants to. _God_ he wants to. He’s so tired of having to be selfless about this, pretending like not having Jonny around is _ok_ when it’s really, really not. He forces himself to drop his phone on the bed next to him, bringing his hand up to rub the bridge of his nose.

His phone has been pinging almost nonstop since the game ended, congratulations texts from anyone Patrick’s ever spoken to, but the facetime chime surprises him. He doesn’t want to answer when he sees it’s Jonny, afraid of what’s going to come out of his mouth, but it’s _Jonny_. Patrick’s never been able to ignore him.

“Hey,” Patrick greets quietly, eyes searching Jonny’s face. There’s dark circles under his eyes and Patrick feels the fight go out of him.

“You don’t look very happy,” Jonny observes. “400 goals, man. Congrats.” Patrick clenches his jaw and takes a deep breath through his nose. Jonny raises an eyebrow and waits him out.

“You should’ve been there.” It bursts out of him and he’s horrified to find himself blinking back tears. Jonny doesn’t even have the decency to look surprised. “You’re supposed to be there for this stuff, man. You weren’t there for this, you’re not gonna be there for my thousandth game , and it’s not fucking fair. You’ve just fucked off to Canada and _left me here_.” And that’s the real issue here, isn’t it? Jonny’s gone and Patrick’s never felt more lonely in his life.

“Pat,” Jonny sighs.

“No, fuck, I’m sorry,” Patrick cuts him off. “That’s not fair. I’m sorry.” He scrubs a hand across his face so he doesn’t have to look at Jonny’s disappointed face.

“Patrick, I get it. It fucking sucks. I know you’ve been acting like all this doesn’t bother you, but I _know_ you. This sucks for you almost as much as it sucks for me.”

“You’re the one who’s sick,” Patrick grumbles, flopping onto his back and rolling to his side so he can hold the phone in front of him.

“Stop trying to discount your feelings,” Jonny scolds. “I’ve been letting you get away with it until you were ready to talk about it, so you’re not getting out of it now.”

“I miss you,” Patrick mumbles, watching Jonny’s face soften. “I just- it’s not the same when you’re not here. I keep turning around expecting you to be there and you’re _not_.” His voice cracks but he can’t even be embarrassed about it. Now that he’s started talking, it’s like he can’t stop, even if he hates the words coming out of his mouth. “I’m so fucking scared that you won’t get better and you’ll decide to retire and you’ll never come back from Canada and I’ll never see you again.”

Jonny’s quiet for so long that Patrick almost hangs up. He’s ashamed of himself, for being so selfish, for even _saying_ that Jonny might not get better. And then he says, “I’ll come back to Chicago.” Patrick blinks at him.

“Your doctor’s in Winnipeg,” Patrick says. “And you’re with your family. You always talk about missing your family.”

“You’re my family, too.” He says it so quietly, so confidently, that it takes Patrick’s breath away. Tears sting his eyes again and this time he lets them come. “I’m gonna come home, alright? Management would probably appreciate the check in anyway. There’s nothing my Winnipeg doctor can do for me right now that the team doctors can’t.”

“You shouldn’t be travelling,” Patrick sniffles, even though he doesn’t want to argue. “You can’t be there for my thousandth game anyway. We’ll be in Dallas.”

“But I can be waiting for you back home,” Jonny says, reaching for his laptop. He sets the phone down and Patrick takes the opportunity to wipe his face. Even if he can’t have Jonny on the ice, the thought of coming home to Jonny in his house, in his bed, soothes an ache inside him that he had been carefully avoiding thinking about. He wants to curl up beside him and have Jonny’s arms around him and know that he’s _there_ and he’s okay.

They’re both quiet for as long as it takes Jonny to book a flight and email Patrick the details. “Two days?” Patrick asks, holding onto the hope blooming in his chest.

“I’ll be there before you know it.”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr:  
> [kwriteshockey](https://kwriteshockey.tumblr.com//)  
> [kkane88](https://kkane88.tumblr.com/)


End file.
